Fast Forward - it's now the day before Easter 2016.  It's very weird to read the words and feel the feelings that I felt through those times. Obviously I'm still alive :) my last procedure was done on January 15, 2014 which makes me a 2 year + survivor.  Not bad!
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Cancer still rules my life in some ways.  I am one of the 20% that have persistent and intense deep tissue itching of the surgical sites - crazy making because you can't ever scratch the itch.
I'm still on a 3 month schedule with the oncologist and have been diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis.
Horribly there are only 2 real options for treatment - one is the same chemo meds I was on for breast cancer (smaller dosage) or the sexy biologics advertised on TV which increases the odds of getting lymphoma by 25%. Not a good choice for someone who is already predisposed to cancer.

 I tried several rounds of the methetrexate - started losing my hair and energy and gave that up. I will go without rather than lose more quality of life - I am hoarding what I have.

I have several friends who are going through chemo and it's aftermath now - I try very hard to be there when they want to talk.  Cancer is an elite club, only to each other can we admit how bad it is/was.  Brave face can be discarded for a little while.

I lost one friend the hard way, by not realizing that brave face is required.  Real feeling and fears generated at best irritation and at worst boredom and accusations of feeling sorry for myself, which is why I love dogs.  I don't understand people (that would include me) at all.

In the meantime -  old faces are gone - there is not an hour that goes by that I don't miss Ben (or RockIt, or Fiesta or Harley).

New faces have appeared - Stewart Little- 7.5 lbs of my shadow - I've never had a lap dog before - he is my secret pleasure because I can't admit to ever wanting or needing a lap dog.  He is generous with his time and loves nothing better than to doze on my lap while I work. Or curl up touching me when I go to sleep - and is still touching me when I wake up with night terrors.

And there is Druid - a totally pushy fluffy corgi who goes to war over anything and tests my ability to stay in the moment.  I love him for everything that he is.  I thought that he would take Ben's place in my heart, but he taught me that he has his own place and he will be Druid, not Ben,

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Druid with his litter mates - he is on the right - the only one not smiling.

















Cancer:

It was truly bad on so many levels I can't even quantify but now that I have perspective (some) or at least some time away from it - it's clear to me on some levels why I chose to have cancer and how it has helped me.

Hari Krishna!!

I have a bald funny shaped head. 
All head scarves fall from my forehead into my eyes and will not stay in place. 
I have been on steroids so long that my ankles and my eyelids jiggle when I walk.
My abdomen is bloated from both steroids and the assault on my spleen and all other self respecting organs that are trying to fight the chemo meds.
Day before the 2nd chemo treatment - I felt really, REALLY good - got out the Wii fit and my Wii Fit age is...... 75.
The only way I can make it through a work day is to close my office door at lunch and sleep under my desk -
I am self conscious, discouraged, so weak all the time, overwhelmed with trying to keep my life and my job while being sicker than I ever knew was possible.

Not all moments are bad, very glad for my friends and my dogs and even sometimes even impressed with myself for coping at all.

But I feel like a failed science project - I have hard metal chest expanders now sort of mimicking breasts as they gradually get filled with water.  My whole abdomen is covered with scars from the drains they placed after the various surgeries.  Underneath what was my breasts - there is a scar line from one side of my chest to the other.  There is no feeling in the front of my body and down the right arm.  I cannot take a shirt off over my head - my arms no longer have range of motion from all the lymph nodes removal.  I can't reach up for anything.  Starting to learn to throw a Frisbee with my left arm - there's a project.  I have a port hanging out of my chest about where all blouses decide to have a neckline. 

My mother, who lived through the 5 year German occupation of Denmark, separated from her family at 18, used to look at me sadly and say that I was spoiled and did not know the meaning of hardship. Strangely after all these years, we finally agree  --  wonder if she could see me now, what she would think. Am I a better person for knowing hardship - not sure I get that.

Oh and back to that thing - no hair.  That's just another sad thing in the list of sad things that comprise this experience. I've always been self-conscious and the time that I most just want to blend in - I am wearing chemo caps which just shouts 'I have CANCER' to anyone that walks by.

Do they still have Hari Krishnas?  That is one group I could blend in seamlessly.

Armegeddon is a small town in central florida........

I don't really know how to describe my life anymore without sounding like medical dictionary of  all things that rhyme with carcinoma.

I survived a double mastectomy and that wasn't really something that I would like to do again.
Much to my delight Angelina Jolie copied me...

Just as I though things were getting better - came the news that one of the lymph nodes sent to pathology came back with a tiny spot of cancer.  The cancer they removed was classed as highly aggressive. 

The next thing is to strip all of my lymph glands on the right side leaving horrible scars, possible loss of feeling and range of motion in my right arm and high likelihood of lymphedema.  I already have lost any feeling down to my elbow on the right side from the lymph glands they took this time.

With this surgery  - they will install a mediport for chemo and anything else they think to throw at me.  4 months of chemo will certainly save a lot of money on haircuts and highlighting.

And with all this - there is at least a 12 % chance of reoccurrence in 10 years. 

I wonder if I will ever run my dogs again, or see Clark and Emma again.  I wonder if I will still have a job when this is over, or even if I will be alive when this is over.  Maybe I will see RockIt and Fiesta soon, that can't be all bad.

The one thing that has made a difference to me, is the kindness and caring of my friends.  I have a card forest on my kitchen counter.  This has been just astounding to me.

 My dogs have been taken care of when I could not do it,  Gail started a prayer circle on FB, Candace came with food, Kat made a dog flower bouquet with pictures of all my dogs (see above picture), Sally has taken care of me by going through all my surgeries and bad news doctor appointments, Judy took care of my in her home, while taking care of 3 of my dogs at my house, Amanda made pink key chains which she sold to help with my medical bills and lots of my friends and even the breeder of the border collie that I had made a deposit on, but could not get because of my health ordered one.  Gabrielle is going to hold run thrus at her place and there is going to be a raffle at the Memorial day trial,  Charlotte sent a dozen roses and I am no doubt forgetting a lot more stuff.  I know that Sarah and Suzanne both offered to take Emma if she did not fit well with Kat's pack.  Kat has taken Emma and not just taken care of her, Kat said her husband is making a freestyle routine for her and she gets to play Frisbee twice a day - don't think she misses me much :). Clark is with Bob and is happily adjusting to being an only dog.

Having cancer is not a perspective that I consciously chose, but it has shown me how great and caring people can be when it really matters, and it really matters to me now. I never believed that if I reached out - someone would be there - but they were there before I even reached out!

If I survive this, it will be because of the prayers and positive thoughts of all these people who are my friends.  I wish I knew the right words to let them know how much it has changed things for me. 

They are definitely the bright spot in this particular ring of hell.

Waiting for Armageddon

Makes me sad to read the last posts  - I was happy to start living again, but then...

I went for a 6 month check up with Dr Bovine and she palpitated an area that seemed weird to her.  An emergency ultra sound - 6 biopsies, an mri and and a tag inserted, it has been determined that I have different and much more invasive cancer which did not appear on the mammogram - I got a clean bill of health from that (last week).

I have never come back from the radiation treatment even close to my old level of energy and fitness.  Everyone told me it was will power and not feeling sorry for yourself - including doctors.. So I thought (as usual) that it was something that I lacked and it just made me feel even less competent. This last 6 months have been hard because I had no energy and that just makes every day hard, even getting up in the morning has become a 2 hour event to drag myself aware.

 I am mad at myself for not believing me (does that make sense?)  - this is such uncharted territory for me, that it was easier to believe I was lacking some quality that everyone else in the world had to bounce back from a cancer event.  I thought it was some combination of depression from the losses of the last year coupled with the ritual mutilation of my body.

They never did an ultra sound or mri before my last 2 surgeries - so this cancer has likely been there hiding under the mammogram calcifications for who knows how long.

This time I am not on the lucky side of the cancer ward.  Double mastectomy, stripping of cardinal lymph nodes to determine whether it has spread, and 5 months of stretch my chest muscles to insert an implant behind them.  Chemo is on the menu if my lymph nodes are compromised.

Talk about the pop up book of phobias, I have never wanted to see my bald head, nor my ribcage where my breasts were

I am scared and tired and don't know how to get thru this - it will happen - but I wonder what it will feel like to lose body parts that I have always (at least since puberty) had?  

Dammit - I just started feeling that my life could be ok again - playing agility with the dogs, the job going well, everything starting to have the appearance of a life again, and now gone again and worse.

6 weeks without lifting anything more than 5 lbs - dear god, I live alone, how could I possibly get laundry down 3 flights of steps, groceries, etc - not to mention the dreaded vaccuum?

I am going to have to farm out all of my dogs during this time, including Ben, - he has had some serious trouble with stairs, which when I can carry him, works out ok.  So I am losing all my comfort, how awesome is that?  Just me and the tv and the boxes with dead dogs in them that I can care for.

 The death of 3 beloved dogs last year, 2 lumpectomies, radiation, and the assurance that my life was back to ''normal'.  6 months later after a clean mammogram, a very large  invasive cancer, double mastectomy, likely chemo, possible death.

Seriously - if you were me, would you believe this would all turn out ok?

Thankful and tired!

Several very important milestones this weekend...

this was the first weekend since my diagnosis that

        I said 'yes' to everything and had a great time
        had the energy and stamina to be there and play with my dogs
        spent really nice, quality time with good friends.

Started Saturday at Ft Desoto beach with Sherri and her awesome corgi Hogan.  The weather could not have been better and we missed the serious crowds.

Then there was a disc dog tournament for the cure - very appropriate -Emma and Focus worked very hard to rock it.

 

 

Today we spent 3 hours practicing with friends - a friend let me run one her dogs and she was so much fun to run - how nice to be trusted with another's dog - that's not to be taken lightly.

 

And then out to dinner at Cody's with Sally and Nancy. Great food and fun company!

 

 

Seriously gives me hope that I can get my life back as good or better than it was before - sweet.

 

It's not Thanksgiving, but I am thankful.

 

 

 

 

Milestone - 6 months!

It seems like it happened much longer ago. 

Went for my 6 month check up this morning.  Did not expect results right away and so was not particularly stressed just a little uneasy to go back to the place where it all started. 

When they told me they would have results before I left, was the exact second that I started to hate the fact that you can't put deodorant on before a mammogram.
 
When they asked me to come back for a second round of radiographs, I was pretty bummed, although the nurse did say that it's kind of normal to need more detail after surgery.

It is ok though - there are calcifications on my right breast that are of some concern to monitor, but they were there before. My left is apparently stellar -  I have body parts on differing schedules, the right side is on a 6 month schedule, the left side is on a 12 month schedule.

I have survived cancer 6 months.

I love good news!!!! 

And a new year has happened

 

Hard to believe that my last post was before Christmas last year.  To say that 2012 sucked would be an understatement of massive proportions.

2013 has been a kinder place for us.  Lots of changes. 

I am no longer a raw feeder.  I hate the kibble thing, but clearly the goals I set out to achieve by raw feeding were not met.  In spite of my beliefs that I was doing the right thing, I lost 2 dogs to things related to gatro-intestinal stuff.  RockIt to cancer (and a rare one at that), Fiesta to gallstones.  

All dogs look fine on kibble - Aidan and Focus are both allergic to grain, but that's easy enough to get around.  So off the podium and into the crowd of kibble feeders I go.

Started trialing again - it is my 2nd generation of dogs now - 8 inch corgi is now Poppy and 20 inch border collie is Voodoo, not much comfort there with the 2 of them yet, but it will come.  Ben will run one day at the GSD trial next month, but he is primarily retired now (very hard to even write that), but the blessing in that is he is around to be retired - the last few months have taught me that there are sadder outcomes than that.

I am going this week for my 6 month check up mammogram.  Trying not to get paranoid, there is nothing to do but go with the flow however it turns out - so why worry so much?

Had the brief and fun thought to breed Poppy with a magnificent corgi named Hogan.  The best jumper and most graceful corgi I have ever seen.  However he came back 'at risk' for DM and Poppy is a carrier, so the thought has been erased and Poppy will be spayed at the end of agility season this year.  It's a wonderful thing to have the genetic test in place to find these things out, but secretly I think that Poppy would have made an awesome mom!

Interesting how the dynamics have changed in my house in going from 11 to 8 and not necessarily for the better.  I think it became easier for everyone when Harley left because he had become so confused and upset all of the time, it must have been a constant tension for everyone, but apparently Fiesta and RockIt were more in charge of emotional content than I would have thought.

Today I  spent the day in a karma reduction workshop with Satyabhama who is the widow of Thomas Ashley-Ferrand - I have actually never chanted with a group of people before - cool stuff. 

And also - Poppy earned her first big girl dbl q last weekend - nice to accomplish and good to have everyone in excellent.  I have resigned myself to always having an 8 inch and 20 inch dog (which implies a long trial day no matter what venue) - but at least we are all collected in excellent where I can keep track of us. Having misc dogs in different jump heights and differing classes is hard for the brain and makes for even longer days.

Sadness, regret, grief and anger

 

Hard to know what to say about this year.    I am hoping this will have been the worst year ever.

Having been through losing 3 dogs, one of which was my first dog, one was my first puppy and agility dog - also in there was my first encounter with breast cancer - it seems that life is so fragile. 

What are the chances of 2 dogs becoming critically ill on the day before Thankgiving with different diseases? 

And then losing both of them. 

On Thanksgiving I took Fiesta and RockIt to Dr B -Fiesta from the e-vet, RockIt just because he suddenly looked awful. 

Fiesta died on my birthday, RockIt died on Dec 1 (5 days after).  Not sure how I will look at either Thanksgiving or my birthday in the future.

I loved all of them - but I didn't realize how much the relationship with RockIt had changed my life and bonded me to him.  He was fear aggressive and also very soft, a hard combination for agility.  He was my first ever puppy.  But he became a rock star in agility  - which was both awesome and  hard for both of us.  He won high in trial for Dacof 2010 20 inch running against a lot of younger dogs,  his last run ever in AKC earned him Mach3. 

I felt good in that at least I had done everything that I could for him during his illness, until, my vet told me that she believed I killed him with raw food after the surgery, no matter what the truth of it is, I will always believe that to be true. (And I also know that she said that because she was upset and had come to love RockIt also)

Fiesta came to me as a 12 lb 10 month old ball of angst.  According to her previous owners, who said they really didn't want her, she was alpha rolled whenever she became excited in play- in the end, producing a dog, who every time she became excited, became aggressive knowing that something bad would happen - classic conditioning - they didn't want that either.

 Had to pick her up with oven mitts for  the first year, which might have been a death sentence for a bigger or more determined dog, for her, it was just a matter of having oven mitts at the ready.  She was drop dead cute, had a great sense of humor, loved to snuggle and and snored like a mastiff.

Harley was feral, he was scared of all humans (including me), but immediately bonded to my american eskimo Bear (who didn't like him).  He was the one that got me into dog trainng, because I literally didn't know what to do with him.  Harley wouldn't eat,  would pull out of his collar and run away, if we were walking and someone was approaching,  and was scared to be inside the house.  He also would get into my car and then spend the rest of the time panting and drooling. 

He had a huge bark, and my mother was terrified of him (he was biggish, around 55 lbs).  One day, she decided to be brave and pet him and apparently, he decided to be brave and stay put, but she had her purse on the other shoulder, when she bent down to pet him, it launched  off of her other shoulder and hit him squarely on the nose - they both screamed - end of relationship. 

He successfully fought his fears of the enviroment, food, people, and life in general and became one of the kindest, happiest dogs - he will always remain one of my biggest inspirations.

The last year or so of his life was hard for him, he became disoriented, he would get lost in a corner of the yard, or the living room and couldn't get out.  He would stand and bark in the middle of the yard.   Sometimes I came home from work and he had moved all the furniture in the living room and trapped himself behind a table or something.  I tried crating him, but I didn't know about crating when he was a puppy, so he never became comfortable in one (my fault)  so we didn't have that option.

So much sadness, regret, grief and anger at life, at my vet for saying words that can never be taken back, and for the pain that RockIt was in for the last week of his life,  for Harley, who had alzheimers and was so lost, and Fiesta who died of something that could have been treated, if I had the money for an ultra sound at the e-vet. 

I have been blessed to have them in my life, whatever I gave them, they gave me much, much more  -there is never a day that they aren't missed.  I think the rainbow bridge is an odd construct but I hope that I meet them again sometime on our paths.

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... and then there were 8

It's been a tough year.

Godspeed RockIt and Fiesta -  we will always miss you.

another week and what have we learned?

I did really well on 2 fronts - how cool is it that Deepak Chopra came out with a 3 week meditation challenge just when I needed a push - so I have been doing his meditation challenge twice daily for 5 days

Also walks - at lunch I now take off into new territories and for a longer time than before - the weather definately helps. Bonus - South Tampa is a really pretty place to walk and it helps me to get out of my office and off the butt.

Food - have done pretty darn good at healthy eating - beets are good food (or at least healthy food) - although last night likely the entire bag of tostito chips that I consumed may count as a setback (but they tasted really good and I could probably eat a whole box of kleenex coated with salt and some lime seasoning at this point) and I did have enough self control to not follow with the mint chocolate chip ice cream found residing in my freezer  - so I won't beat myself up over them - just another wild Friday nite :).

Ben went to Dr B's for acupuncture - he is looking a bit scraggly.  He went into a major shed (not unusual for corgis) but this time he lost his top coat which is the black colored hair and what is left is very little of the top coat and a lot of the undercoat (which is white) - it made him look older almost immediately.  Dr B did bloodwork and it looks ok  - so maybe we will go to CVS and look at Grecian Formula.

Work is work - have been able to stay focused and get a lot done, so athough I feel I'm working in a vacuum, I feel confident that my ability to think creatively and problem solve have not been affected by all the various things my body was subjected to - very good feeling.