The doctor I saw today may have had 1 too many botox treatments as she remained expressionless and wrinkle free through out our consult. She also may need some coaching on eye contact and clear speaking when delivering bad news, as she mumbled and avoided eye contact.
Whenever someone starts a sentence with... The good news is... you know that not only is there bad news, and maybe not worse than the good news, but will be the "action item", otherwise, they would have started out with it.
To follow the pattern - good news, is that all 3 lymph glands removed were clear - good because that means that cancer has not invaded my system, bad news, the margins were not clear on the tumor removal.
Meaning - more surgery next week. My botox doctor told me that they will only do this 3 times before performing a mastectomy... dear god, 3 times? I'm not sure how to cope with 2.
But my expressionless doctor informed me how lucky I am to have the 2nd surgery because they can insert the ballon for the radiation catheter while I am under, insert the tubes just underneath my skin and then if I don't need surgery 3 and/or a mastectomy, they can just retrieve the tubes for the catheter and use them instead of having to insert it while I'm conscious. Wonder how impactful having 4 8 inch tubes just under the skin of my breast will be - I'm guessing that it will be more than a little.
And for bonus fun, I got another mammogram today - on my swollen, frankenbreast. If anyone thinks that a mammogram sucks, try it 10 days post surgery.
I am sad and tired and not at all courageous.
I have a friend that is going through much worse than this with a very grim prognosis - yet she is a fighter and very upbeat - when I stop being tired and sad, I will try to be as cool as she is, but I am sooo not there yet.
I want to be brave and offhand and not afraid, but I am not any of those things except afraid. - Buddhist-wise, dying is just a fact of life and does not seem scary, what I'm afraid of is pain and mutilation - the in-between.
Why can't I just be hit by a bus?
When you get no comments on a post like this, it means readers are shocked or scared or angry (or all of the above), and in any event just don't know how to respond. Cancer has a way of overwhelming those near the victim too, just in a different way. Know that we DO care, and love you.
ReplyDeleteDang Bev - that sucks. But the botoxed Dr. is right - there was good news and you should focus on that as much as you can. Still in our thoughts and prayers!
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