My beagle

I don't know if I have mentioned it, but Jack is dying.

I know we are all dying, but he has a timeline now. 76 days ago he was diagnosed in congestive heart failure. He has a grade 4 heart murmur that appeared out of nowhere (6 months ago he had a fine heart...) and his heart has enlarged enough that it is pressing on his trachea. There is also some question of whether he has some paralysis of the trachea from the broken neck he sustained which just adds to his inability to breathe and bounce back from any pulmonary stress. From browsing the websites of the manufacturers of the 7 drugs he is now on, the median time to euthanasia from diagnosis is 169 days. He is on day 76 - every time I call the vet to renew his meds I am grateful for the time that we have bought with them.

(Hindsite note - Jack made it 294 days from diagnosis to euthanasia - he was always beating the odds.)

When the diagnosis first came, I cried and hugged him and was horribly sad. 76 days later, I have found a way to believe that he is really ok and that the vet is totally wrong. With the meds he is better than he was before and really happy most the time. I know this is a coping mechanism and I have been told that when he crashes (and he will) there will be nothing left to give him - he is on all the "big gun" heart meds usually reserved for the final rally. But I don't want to believe it.

To me, he represents much more than his normal beautiful self, he is my link to my father who loved him and died with him on his chest - even tho he did not like dogs. To my mom, when she still was coherent, and to myself when I was a part of a family and loved.

He is also my last link to my autistic dog Harley, who will probably also leave when Jack does.

Loving is risky at best, but loving a dog is truly a leap of faith because you know that they have to leave...........

But for all the time we have shared, and for the time we have left, I am so grateful.

Thanks Jackie B - you're the best beagle in the world (if not the universe).