Fast Forward - it's now the day before Easter 2016.  It's very weird to read the words and feel the feelings that I felt through those times. Obviously I'm still alive :) my last procedure was done on January 15, 2014 which makes me a 2 year + survivor.  Not bad!
.
Cancer still rules my life in some ways.  I am one of the 20% that have persistent and intense deep tissue itching of the surgical sites - crazy making because you can't ever scratch the itch.
I'm still on a 3 month schedule with the oncologist and have been diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis.
Horribly there are only 2 real options for treatment - one is the same chemo meds I was on for breast cancer (smaller dosage) or the sexy biologics advertised on TV which increases the odds of getting lymphoma by 25%. Not a good choice for someone who is already predisposed to cancer.

 I tried several rounds of the methetrexate - started losing my hair and energy and gave that up. I will go without rather than lose more quality of life - I am hoarding what I have.

I have several friends who are going through chemo and it's aftermath now - I try very hard to be there when they want to talk.  Cancer is an elite club, only to each other can we admit how bad it is/was.  Brave face can be discarded for a little while.

I lost one friend the hard way, by not realizing that brave face is required.  Real feeling and fears generated at best irritation and at worst boredom and accusations of feeling sorry for myself, which is why I love dogs.  I don't understand people (that would include me) at all.

In the meantime -  old faces are gone - there is not an hour that goes by that I don't miss Ben (or RockIt, or Fiesta or Harley).

New faces have appeared - Stewart Little- 7.5 lbs of my shadow - I've never had a lap dog before - he is my secret pleasure because I can't admit to ever wanting or needing a lap dog.  He is generous with his time and loves nothing better than to doze on my lap while I work. Or curl up touching me when I go to sleep - and is still touching me when I wake up with night terrors.

And there is Druid - a totally pushy fluffy corgi who goes to war over anything and tests my ability to stay in the moment.  I love him for everything that he is.  I thought that he would take Ben's place in my heart, but he taught me that he has his own place and he will be Druid, not Ben,

a

Druid with his litter mates - he is on the right - the only one not smiling.

















Cancer:

It was truly bad on so many levels I can't even quantify but now that I have perspective (some) or at least some time away from it - it's clear to me on some levels why I chose to have cancer and how it has helped me.