Hari Krishna!!

I have a bald funny shaped head. 
All head scarves fall from my forehead into my eyes and will not stay in place. 
I have been on steroids so long that my ankles and my eyelids jiggle when I walk.
My abdomen is bloated from both steroids and the assault on my spleen and all other self respecting organs that are trying to fight the chemo meds.
Day before the 2nd chemo treatment - I felt really, REALLY good - got out the Wii fit and my Wii Fit age is...... 75.
The only way I can make it through a work day is to close my office door at lunch and sleep under my desk -
I am self conscious, discouraged, so weak all the time, overwhelmed with trying to keep my life and my job while being sicker than I ever knew was possible.

Not all moments are bad, very glad for my friends and my dogs and even sometimes even impressed with myself for coping at all.

But I feel like a failed science project - I have hard metal chest expanders now sort of mimicking breasts as they gradually get filled with water.  My whole abdomen is covered with scars from the drains they placed after the various surgeries.  Underneath what was my breasts - there is a scar line from one side of my chest to the other.  There is no feeling in the front of my body and down the right arm.  I cannot take a shirt off over my head - my arms no longer have range of motion from all the lymph nodes removal.  I can't reach up for anything.  Starting to learn to throw a Frisbee with my left arm - there's a project.  I have a port hanging out of my chest about where all blouses decide to have a neckline. 

My mother, who lived through the 5 year German occupation of Denmark, separated from her family at 18, used to look at me sadly and say that I was spoiled and did not know the meaning of hardship. Strangely after all these years, we finally agree  --  wonder if she could see me now, what she would think. Am I a better person for knowing hardship - not sure I get that.

Oh and back to that thing - no hair.  That's just another sad thing in the list of sad things that comprise this experience. I've always been self-conscious and the time that I most just want to blend in - I am wearing chemo caps which just shouts 'I have CANCER' to anyone that walks by.

Do they still have Hari Krishnas?  That is one group I could blend in seamlessly.